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It seems to me that the bible doesn’t give me enough examples of parenting a teen. The book of Proverbs offers excellent advice from a parent to a child, but I don’t imagine any child sitting around long enough to hear all of it. Say, for instance, that Jesus had been a dad of a teen. I think I would be helped greatly in my Christian parenting by reading about his examples:
And on the seventh day Jesus calleth his daughter back on her cellphone, and saith, “Verily I say to thee, if you sayest “Whatever” to me and hangeth up on me, you shall live forever as a pillar of salt in the center of town.” And in that place, all the townspeople will gather with great amazement, and the young ones will say, “There goest Little One, a sinner such as I”, and the mothers and fathers will say amongst themselves, “It is good and right that this has happened as a lesson to the children of our loins who might choose to disrespectfully end phone calls with their forefathers.”
Soon after this, Jesus spoke to his daughter, and said, “Though you sayest to me that you have finished all your homework from the day you were absent from school, I lookest into the heart and see the truth is not in you. And so, in the days in which schools break for Springtime, and the semester grades appeareth in the mailboxes, there shall be great rejoicing among the young and lighthearted of the land. But you, however, will rend your clothes and lie on your bed of sorrow, cut off from the friendship of your youth, because of the error of your homework ways. And when I asketh why you have received a ‘C’ in Health class, remember your past transgressions and refraineth from saying to me, “I do not know. The teacher hateth me.”
I think Jesus would have been an excellent parent of teens.
I am a terrible, cruel mother. Jenn is turning into a juvenile delinquent because I have no rules. I am cheating her out of her car. This was conclusively determined by my ex-husband last weekend, and Jenn, who can smell a better deal from at least one town away, decided that she’d rather live with him for a bit. Especially after he bought her a car last weekend.
But wait, you may say. Didn’t she already have a car? Oh yeah, the one that we helped her buy last summer after which she never made another car or insurance payment, until we repossessed it right before Christmas. How unreasonable can parents be? And when we offered to give her back the original downpayment and even told her we’d sell her Joe’s old car for the cash, this was a blatant attempt to cheat our own daughter. See what happens when unbridled greed takes hold of our souls?
For about two minutes I let ex-Ray’s judgement of my parenting worm into my saddened heart, and then I thought, WHAA? Bad parent? This coming from a man who used to make 3-year-old Jessie watch her infant sister while he slept off a hangover; a man who has never made it to a single school Open House, sports event, music recital, doctor’s appointment, or even Jessie’s High School graduation?
I decided to sit back and let the fun begin.
Tuesday I took her to the doctor for her first pelvic exam, and in the meantime I got to hear about ex-Ray’s wonderfulness in helping her buy a car. The downpayment wasn’t quite enough, but her dad was “helping her out”. He didn’t want anyone to know how he was helping her out, since he didn’t want the whole world to know what a nice guy he was. It was their secret. That’s beautiful.
Wednesday at 6 am she called to ask if I would call her in sick to school. Stomach. Severe pains. No sleep. You’ve heard this all before. I gave her the school phone number and suggested her dad, um, be a parent.
Thursday at 6 am she called crying, saying she was still sick and her Dad wouldn’t call her school. I told her Dad’s house, Dad’s rules. She sobbed that he was yelling that no matter how sick she was, she better get her ass to work that night because she owed him money. Hm. Yes, he said ass. We don’t generally use the word ass when talking to our children in this house, but you know, Dad’s house, Dad’s rules.
Thursday afternoon she proposed coming over to my house and sleeping during her work shift so her dad wouldn’t know she didn’t go to work. Vetoed. She went to work.
This afternoon she came home to say dad doesn’t care about her health at all, he just cares about her making her car payments. Hm.
She wants to come home. Hm.
Teen’s alarm goes off. Teen shuts off alarm and goes back to sleep. Mom comes in and yells that said Teen has missed her schoolbus. Again.
Mom picks up Teen after school because Teen has to go to work early. Teen gets into car filled with angst and Emo sulkiness. Mom asked Teen about her new schedule because it is, of course the first week back at school after winter break. Teen responds in monosyllables and then says, “Why do you have to keep interrogating me? It’s just school!”
Mom informs Teen that she has every right to know about Teen’s life, and then Mom angrily turns on the radio and sings loudly to Barry Manilow’s “This One’s For You” (when Mom was a little girl, she used to fantasize about Barry Manilow being her father). When the song was over, Mom searches for other songs. When her favorite Panic! At the Disco song comes on, Teen says “Hey! That’s my song!” and Mom angrily turns off the radio. And then debates whether she is acting childishly.
On the way to work, Teen asks for dinner money. Mom asks why she didn’t get something to eat before leaving for work, and Teen snaps, “I was in a hurry! Gosh! What do you want me to do, starve?” Mom then replies that if Teen is going to speak to her in that tone of voice, Mom really does not care whether she starves. Teen says, “Nice attitude.”
At which point Mom considers pulling over the car and making her walk to work.
I feel like I’m living “Groundhog Day”. Remember my morning anger problems? And don’t forget about the alarm clock blues. I am amazed that my life with Little One can shift from such sorrow to such aggravation.
However, I have learned that I am not the only mean mom in the world. Here’s another Mom who’s doing something similar with her teen’s car. Maybe I should change the car ad we’re running.
P.S. The teen car link is now fixed. Sorry!
