My heart is so heavy tonight.
Mothering a depressed teen is the hardest thing I’ve had to do yet. Because Little One’s story is not mine to tell, all I can say is that I pray for her all the time. I worry about her inability to find a place where she fits in this world. I am frightened she will just give up trying.
I am frightened for my older daughter, too. A painful childhood and dysfunctional dad have hardened her. She has a protective shell of anger around her, and relationships and even close friendships are so hard for her. I’m afraid that she will never let anyone but me ever love her. And she even keeps her distance from me, too.
There have been many times when I’ve looked for God’s hand in my life, and many times I’ve seen it. When I’m in the middle of troubles, and there’s no way to know what will happen next, it is so hard to believe that even now, in these dark nights, He can make something beautiful from these ashes. And yet, up till now, the ashes have never been the scars of my daughters. That hurts the most. These are my babies who are hurting.
When they were younger, someone was always reminding me that as a single mom, God never gives me more than I can handle. So I would talk it over with God and reiterate that, in case he somehow had misjudged my strength, I just wanted to remind him that I could not survive losing one of my children. I still don’t have that strength. I don’t know how to do more than I’m doing now. I don’t know how to make things better, and though I know that’s not really my job, I still can’t help the overwhelming desire to heal, help, fix.
My friends give me encouraging scripture verses, and remind me that I’ve trained up my girls in the way they should go, and when they get older they will return to it. But I also know of people who have slipped away and fell further and further into depression, pain, bad choices, and death. My husband often works with people in failing marriages, those who have horrible addictions and phobias, and people who have noplace but a church floor to lay down on at night. Just a few months ago he ministered a man my age who nonetheless committed suicide just a few days after crying and praying with Joe in the sanctuary.
No matter what I do, and how glorious is God’s plan, much depends on the free will of my children. I don’t know how to be OK with that.
My friend Peg told me the other day that when she was having dark times with her daughter, another friend talked about picturing her praying over her son. This friend, when she was lost and helpless, would imagine taking her son’s hand, pulling him to the cross, and leaving him there with God, the perfect father.
My sister Sheryl has been one of the greatest spiritual influences of my life. After she had gone through an enormously difficult time, I asked her how she coped. Her reply was amazing. She told me what she wished she would have done to cope. “I wished I would have praised God more. I wished I would have listened to more Christian music and spent more time in prayer. I needed those things in my life.”
There has to be something to praise God about today.
I will praise him for the plan he’s put into place, the plan that someday I’ll be able to see and rejoice in. I’ll be thankful for the ways that he is going to rescue my family, when I’ve gone way beyond the abilities of my own strength.
And I’ll share with you the praise song I’m listening to right now. Thanks for sticking with me through a long post and a lot of pain, friends.
Praise You in This Storm
Casting Crowns
words by Mark Hall/music by Mark Hall and Bernie Herms
I was sure by now, God, You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it’s still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
“I’m with you”
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.
Chorus:
And I’ll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I’ve cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again
my strength is almost gone how can I carry on
if I can’t find You
and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
“I’m with you”
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away
Chorus
I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
Chorus
8 comments
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January 9, 2008 at 8:23 pm
Stacey
I’m not sure you’d welcome any thoughts I have on this, given the dark tunnel we are travelling through with our daughter (moved out now two months)…and I can’t even tell you you will cope. Because honestly, I fall to pieces every day still. And it’s hard to get back up, but I have to because God did set too many amazing people in my life for me to just give up on them. I can’t quit on the, I’m a little tired of so many people quitting on me. I guess my point is God has seen me this far, even if it’s been excruciating. I’ll keep getting up, I honestly know if she comes through this time alive, we will be just fine.
I’d love to give you a giant hug right now, I know how much you need one. And I’m praying for you tonight, for all of you.
The song is wonderful, I think I need to listen to more Christian music myself (yes, The Cure from the amazing 80’s!). xoxoxo
January 9, 2008 at 8:40 pm
suburbancorrespondent
Angela, check out this post from navel gazing at its finest (if you haven’t seen it already). It may give you hope:
http://borrowedlight.blogspot.com/2007/10/im-yamaha.html
hugs
January 10, 2008 at 10:35 am
angelawd
Stacey, thanks so much for your thoughts. Of course I welcome them. I know you know the same pain I’m feeling. God is lifting me up by the people like you he’s sent into my life.
Suburban, what a beautiful and painful post. I am praying that my little one finds something like that to hold onto right now. SHe has no center to her life.
January 10, 2008 at 11:26 am
Markie
Dear Angelawd, my heart is breaking for you right now. I have some sense of your pain from my own experiences with teen daughters. Thank you so much for the reminders to pray, praise God, and trust in his plan for our lives! I am praying for you and your family right now.
January 10, 2008 at 2:14 pm
Ahna
Angela
I know that your daughter’s pain must be so hard to bear. I don’t have teens, yet, but I have a daughter who internalized everything… I just don’t know how to reach her sometimes.
I do know this, that God is our Father, too. A father that helps us, the parent, when we feel less like parents and more like children. A God who hears our prayers and knows our pains and fears and still loves us unconditionally. This is a God who offers shelter to you and your daughters. They may not be able to talk to you about it now, but they know what you’ve taught them.
On the secular path, a few years ago, PBS did a series on the human brain. It was a wonderful series – I’d bet a little digging on their site would yield a wonderful reward. The reason that I mention this is that the PBS series spent a good deal of time discussing the physical changes the human brain goes through during puberty.
go through something similar. It’s normal. It will end. And there are other people that can help her get through these tough times
Basically, the human brain completely re-wires. It often leaves the teen feeling out of sorts and completely strange. Like they are going crazy and they don’t know themselves. There is physical evidence to prove these changes. They are going a little crazy and they are becoming someone new. These changes are akin to the changes a newborn baby goes through in the first several years of life – remember those? Learning to walk and talk – big changes!
Of course, all of these changes during puberty can be painful and confusing. Now couple those feelings with the hormonal flux that a young women goes through as she begins her menstrual cycle in earnest – good grief.
I don’t know if your daughter is an analytical sort, but maybe some of that researched information would help her understand what is happening to her. It may give her some comfort to know that other people – even the ones who don’t know her mother
.
This is a big response. Sorry. I will pray for you and your daughters. Hang in there!
January 10, 2008 at 5:46 pm
Merry
Hi Angela,
First, I will keep you and your family in my prayers.
I know this must be very difficult for you – when it’s our children, it’s so hard to sit in the worry knowing we have no real control over the situation.
Looking back on my own teenage years, I know that I felt things keenly, made some horrible choices, and generally had a lot of knocks from life… as an adult I know that all that I’ve been through in my life has helped to shape who I am. I really believe that the obstacles in our journey are blessings in disguise, hard to get through but they teach you lessons you wouldn’t learn academically and make you a stronger, better person in the end… As a mom, don’t stop reaching in, praying, and trying to help and fix. But maybe, for your daughter, some of these things will serve to strengthen her foundation in the long run. I hope that is their purpose, to make her stronger when she blossoms into adulthood.
January 12, 2008 at 11:36 pm
Sue
Angela, this post breaks my heart. My deepest parental fear is that my children will go through something like this and I won’t be able to help them. I’m so sorry she’s going through this. My heart just aches for both of you. Let her know you love her. I never really knew if my parents loved me. I knew they loved me because I was their kid, but I never knew if they really loved ME. If they felt anything about ME was special. And even though she might push you away and act as though she can’t stand you, it will make a difference, I think. I hope. Hugs to you.
February 1, 2008 at 12:27 pm
Carnival of Christian Women–February 1, 2008 | Dandelions and Daydreams
[...] Angela Williams Duea is learning about Keeping it real as a parent to a depressed teen. Hardship always teaches us to to lean on God in ways we never have [...]