My heart is not very Christian today. I’m praying for a change in my spirit, a new way of approaching my thoughts. I’m praying a lot today.

Yesterday was my church’s annual congregational meeting. For those of you who aren’t regular church attenders, this is the time when my church approves the annual budget, looks over the accomplishments of the lat year, and elects the council officers for the next year.  Have you ever seen the opening scene of racing storm clouds and blackness in the movie, “Something Wicked This Way Comes?” That’s kind of how I felt as this meeting approached.

There is a painful economic reality we had to face yesterday. This year, our pastor again volunteered a pay cut, bringing his pay down 30% within 3 years, and our business director has also taken a cut this year. Not that they were paid all that much to being with. None of the staff, including my husband, have received a pay raise since they were hired years ago, though that seems petty to bring up when our pastor has cut his salary so deeply. Our church council president announced yesterday that if things don’t improve within the next year, they will cut both salaries and staff.

Giving and attendance are down at our church, and there are people who are blaming the staff and council leaders for the problems. Some people (and I do stress they are a very small but vocal group) want to re-examine every decision made in the last few years, state why they were opposed to it at the time, and why we’re in trouble now.  Dysfunctional church politics built a head of steam and some of the members stoked each other’s anger. Each of the leaders and directors gave a report on their areas, and they were assaulted with hard questions by their brothers and sisters in Christ.  Remember the scene in Wizard of Oz where the flying monkeys attack Dorothy and her friends? It seemed like that.

See? There is my angry heart. I watched my husband sweat and field questions about what he should be doing and what he did that someone didn’t like and why he isn’t doing even more. I know that many of the views were valid, even though they weren’t things that I was particularly concerned about. I don’t care whether we’ve removed the word “Lutheran” from our new sign, and I don’t think that people with no accounting background or knowledge should be putting down the church treasurer’s accounting methods. But most of all I saw their angry faces and harsh words, and I just didn’t understand how they could be talking to my sweet, kind-hearted husband – or any of the other staff members I love so dearly – in such a way. I actually grumbled a few comments of my own under my breath and I’m certain that any listeners would not be blessed by my words. I felt like yelling at these people, “Do you know how hard my husband works for you? Do you have any idea how much this church would be missing if you didn’t have him?” But I couldn’t say that, and eventually I had to step out to have a cry in the bathroom.

My heart hurts for my husband and I dealt with it in the same way I always deal with conflict. I woke up at 3 a.m. and couldn’t stop reviewing the meeting. I thought about the cutting remarks I could have made to each of the speakers. I stewed over their very obvious sins and how I could bring their sins to their attention. None of this was Christlike, it was all human behavior.

I need God’s help with my angry thoughts. Yes, those people did not act as brothers and sisters should act, and my anger and thoughts are just as bad. God is going to have to take care of the axe-grinders from the meeting; they are his children. What I need to be focusing on is helping support and encourage my husband when others turn on him. And I need to be preparing my heart for our next ministry job if God tells us it is time to go. I just need God to help me be willing to do that.