Warning: this is a serious one. 

Last I read a blog post and subsequent comments that have clung to my mind ever since then. The post is at the hip, wise and funny This Fish and describes the author’s first sexual experiences and the value of sex without love.

My heart aches with all the stories I read from her commenters about their painful first sex experiences. So many women had ugly or unpleasant first experiences, and had been treated badly by the men that they gave their virginity to. My first feminist thought is always, “Is this an issue that men have to face?” and my guess is probably not most of the time. When young adults want to have sex for the first time, chances are the woman is not going to get much out of it except some soreness and a few moments of closeness.

Part of the problem is, frankly speaking, sex and arousal is more complicated for women. Young guys are likely to have figured out how they have an orgasm but a lot of girls never figure that out for themselves. Besides, every girl’s magazine has tips on how to give pleasure to some guy (Blow His Mind With These Five New Moves!) but guys aren’t sitting around reading about how to make a girl come.

On top of all of that, the average young guy is dying to have sex and is willing to persist and  plead and love and nag until the girlfriend gives in. And several of the guys I know who would definitely top the list in anyone’s “Good Guy” directory have told me that as soon as they have taken her virginity or had sex the first time, they lost interest and the relationship faded. Which leads, as This Fish mentioned, to a woman crying alone in the shower – or on the phone to her girlfriends.

That said, I know that there have been some experiences in my life where I am certain I’ve hurt men with my sexual behavior. As a young adult I had what would have been considered a promiscuous lifestyle maybe 25 years ago but normal activity if you live in today’s “Sex and the City” world. I know that there were men crying over the way I treated them after sex and wondering why they never heard from me. I know that I’ve acheived permanent status on someone’s list of “Women Who Have Irrevocably Damaged Me.” And I don’t mean with scissors.

The thing is, none of this is what God intended. I believe God purposely made sex to be an amazingly enjoyable AND a soulful experience. I know that it is considered an old-fashioned and unpopular idea, but I do believe that we’d all be having more fun with sex if we had less of it – saving our good times for the people who really matter.

I don’t say this to judge anyone on their experiences. God made our bodies to respond to love and they are going to work that way whether we are in a committed, mutually loving and healthy relationship or not. That’s why it’s so hard to say no when it feels so good to say yes. But God didn’t just make us to respond physically to sex; He also gave us the experience of sex as a way to acheive ultimate intimacy with another human being and to bond with them like no other experience bonds us. We can divorce the sex from the love, but not without damaging a fundamental part of how our hearts and bodies work. That’s why there’s so much pain and drama associated with modern sexuality.

I’m saying that sex without strings is puts you at greater risk to be hurt – or hurt someone. Every time you have sex with someone who hasn’t made a commitment with you, to stay with you no matter what for the rest of your lives, you run a greater risk of having your heart broken or breaking someone else’s heart. Even if you think you’re going into it with no strings attached. I mean, how many of us have heard a girlfriend say, “I wasn’t really into him, but last night we were making out and it was fantastic and…wow, I just can’t stop thinking of him. Should I call him today?”

I’m saying that sex can cloud your judgement by bonding you to people you may not have linked up with unless there was a sexual bond. I am old enough to have heard many, many stories of people who too late found out they’d spent five (or twenty) years with someone they thought they loved, then realized it really was lust.

I’m saying that sexual purity brings peace, trust, and higher intimacy. My husband and I were both previously married and also had plenty of other sexual experiences. Though we’re fairly open-minded people, it still hurts each of us simply knowing that most of the things we’re doing together we’ve also done with other people. There’s nothing we can do about that, but we made a commitment during our 3-year courtship that we were going to remain celibate until we married. It was extremely hard sometimes, but I know one thing about the Big Guy more than anyone else I know: I have seen him faced with sexual temptation and not give in. I have more trust in his fidelity than anyone I have ever met. And our intimate life is more special than any other relationship I’ve ever had.